Train(ed) Fools

It was a few weeks back when I started noticing the MTA signs posted in the subways alerting us that riding "on" the train is dangerous. The photo used on the poster shows a man holding onto the outside of the train just outside the doors. I always chuckled at this poster because in a decade of riding the subways I have never seen anyone attempt this maneuver.

Just last week as I was riding the L home I heard an announcement over the loud speaker as we were leaving a stop. The recorded voice advised me that riding on the outside of any train car is prohibited and dangerous. My thoughts went immediately to the poster I had seen a few weeks earlier conveying the same message. I couldn't believe that the problem wase serious enough that they needed to communicate the ill behavior using two different media vehicles, posters and audio. But then again, I'm just s straphanger not a highly trained MTA statistics wiz.

So who are these people and what are they thinking? I decided to hunt down some of the perps and ask for their last thought before riding "on" the train.

"Damn, I just missed the train. Let me jump on the side and hang on so I am not late for work." -- Joe Christo, Astoria
"Shit the doors closed. It's just one stop, I'll just ride here on the window sill." -- Brena Robinson, Manhattan
"Ohh, no AC in this car. I'll go back outside and hang onto the roof so the breeze will keep me cool." -- Martin Lewinski, Brighton Beach

FINAL WORD: Stop spending money creating messages and posters to tell us not to ride on the outside of the god damn train. Switch to an insurance carrier that will cover you for the stupidity of foolish riders so you don't have a lawsuit everytime a crazy rides between cars and gets tossed. And put another Fuckin' conductor on the god damn L train with the money you saved.

Not your boss or your friend, jackass.

I overheard two guys on the street the other day. They walked up to a hot dog vendor and engaged in the following, one-sided conversation.

Guy1: Hey Buddy, you got some dogs for us?
Guy 2: Yo, boss, hook us up?
Vendor: --
Guy2: Yo, captain you gotta give us a good deal.
Guy1: Yeah c’mon, hook us chief.
Vendor:--

Why do we find it necessary to engage people we don’t know in this myriad of titles.
Pal, boss, buddy, friend, chief, captain, dog, mate. The person behind the cart or counter is usually none of these things and addressing them as such only begs for a dismissal of ones character from the time they open their mouth.

But that’s males for you. Always looking to bond with each other or beat the shit out of each other.

And to make this post ever more relevant and current, I just went down to Starbucks for a coffee. The counter cleck looked at me nodded his head and said, "What can I get you boss?"

Fashion Week Freak

On the way to work Wednesday I was riding the subway with a girl who was sporting a short/messy hairdo, a white frilly skirt, an abnormaly styled blouse and black flats with tiny heels. In her left hand was a vente Starbucks and in her right hand was a 20GB iPod. When she stood up to leave the train, she slung a huge, super stylish, leather Puma bag over her shoulder and wandered down the platform looking for the latest copy of lucky so she could, at best guess, plan her outfit for tomorrow.

Don't give me the finger.

We live in a city with 9million "legal" residents. That doesn't include commuters or tourists. Everyday thousands of these people hang on the subway, open doors, pick up drinks in these board of health disaster delis, lean against walls, talk on phones, type on keyboards, push elevator buttons, open taxi doors and scratch their ass.

Then they come over to you and hand you a piece of paper. Maybe its a test, a brief, a report, a ticket or a check. What you didn't notice was they just licked their middle digit, touched their now wet finger to the item they are giving you and walked away. Not only have they put all theitems listed below IN THEIR MOUTH, but they have now given you an infected document with everything listed above plus any internal diseases they might be walking around with.

This might have been OK when your 5th grade english teacher in rural suburbia handed back the graded tests, but as an adult in this city that is pure filth.

Are papers that slippery? Do we really need to add extra grip in order to seperate 2 pieces of paper from each other?
This is one of the most disgusting habits a human can have. The funny thing is it is as exceptable as coughing or sneezing. Take notice next time someone hands you a piece of paper. Do they lick their finger? Now think of how many pieces of paper they have given you in the past, and most likely liked their finger then too.

I just saved a bundle on my car insurance. Yeah, Because GEICO F'ed up!

Insurance companies are hard enough to deal with just starting a policy. BUT, the real frustration begins when you want to make a simple change to your policy. Like...let's say the address. This week we tried to do just that and the huge can of worms that it opened could only be combated with an equally sized can of fresh, wup-ass. Here is the (abridged) conversation.

Dan: Change the address on our policy.
GEICO: Well, we will have to start a new policy for that.
Dan: Don't start a new policy just change the address so that the bills get mailed to the right place.
GEICO: Will the cars be at this new address?
Dan: No
GEICO:Are you sure?
Dan: Yes
GEICO: Because if you have the cars at the old address they might not be covered.
Dan: Isn't that the point of insurance?
GEICO: Yes, but you may have to pay more money if the address is changed because the rates are decided bylocation.
Dan: Don't change the location, just the mailing address.
GEICO: For both cars?
Dan: Yes
GEICO: OK, Done. You will now receive all communications at your new address. It will not change your bill or policy.
Dan: OK, thank you.
GEICO: Miss? Why do you have so much collision insurance on an old car? That car will only be worth $1000 and you have $3000 worth of insurance. Its old. Your over paying.

Dan: My car is not worth only $1000!! It has low milage, a new paint job...Why would you say that?
GEICO: Also I see you don't have glass coverage on the account. Why?
Dan: We don'thave glass coverage?
GEICO:It says you waved it.
Dan: Why would I have $2000 extra in collision coverage and waive the glass coverage on my car and on our otehr car, a brand new truck?

GEICO: I don't know ma'am.
Dan: Can we add that?
GEICO: Oh, we will have to start a whole new policy to do that.
Dan: Goodbye (rattlesnake noise in background)

Aftermath: A bill arrives 3 days later for an additional cost for changing the cars address. We have no glass coverage on either car. And from now on we will both go out of the way to kill Gekkos.

Can we trust anyone anymore? Does common sense have a place in the human brain anymore? Stop asking me for money that I don't even owe you and start providing me a service with service.